Monkeys + Xanax = Not A Good Idea

Since I obviously have had nothing to say recently, have a look at this story.

From the WTF files....

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/4694820/Chimp-attack-Owner-denies-giving-Travis-Xanax.html

Some take away lessons:

1. Despite our firmly-seated beliefs, feces throwing is not the only reason monkeys don't make a great pet.

2. The manufacturers of Xanax will probably get sued for not detailing the possible contraindications of giving Xanax to your pet chimp in the fine print. ie. "Use caution when operating a motor vehicle. Do not use alcohol while taking this medication. Do not give this medication to a chimpanzee, lemur, or rhesus monkey without a prescription. Preliminary studies indicate that it is ok for orangutans, as the only noted side effect is an increase is lip flapping and funny face making, which is hilarious."

3. Chimps are tough mofos! Screw the UFC, bring on the new MMMA (Mixed Monkey Martial Arts).

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

If this is true, then Goldfrapp has been getting some serious love. Did a quick google tonight to see if anyone else was picking up on the strong Goldfrapp-esque vibe of Christina Aguilera's latest track, which I keep hearing on the radio. Lo and behold, someone has already done the work for me:

http://berglovespizza.com/?p=48

Sidlers

I am easily amused, and often find myself laughing to myself in public at something which is totally ridiculous, whether it is a memory of some hijinx in the past or some peculiarity I have picked up in my surroundings.

In line at Starbucks today, and in my periphery I noticed something approach. 'Twas an old man trying to catch a closer look at the baked goods, more specifically, what seemed to be pumpkin spice muffins. I realized at this moment, how much I dislike sidlers...people with total disregard for personal space. This guy was inching so close to my bumper, it was making me uncomfortable. I was in between making my order and delivering a donkey kick to this guy's quads.

Which leads me to another story, which I never really gave adequate airtime to in a previous post.

When I was in NYC this summer visiting PGuy, on a night of informal pub crawling across Manhattan (and I mean across Manhattan, as Guy had me criss-crossing several city blocks on foot throughout the evening), we stopped into a dive bar. Immediately upon entry Guy shouts out for 2 PBRs (Pabst Blue Ribbon...when in Rome). We grab a stool at the bar next to a softball team who are sharing some duffs and pizza. Before either of us know, this guy who is totally soused sidles up to us. In fact, as Guy put it, I must have sensed the guy's sour breath whistling through my ears and nostrils as he sidled up to my blind spot. I turned and he was literally in my face. There was no opening, no introduction, just a slurred, "Is this Grand Funk Railroad?!" as he gestured half at the jukebox, half in the air. With a knowing glance, Guy and I were almost in stitches. I replied with a, "No man, I think it's Steppenwolf"...which was totally wrong, but I think I was thrown off my game by the abruptness of the sidling and the hops steaming out of his gullet. The guy continues to try to engage us in a drunken game of musical cat and mouse, which we didn't really play into, but he continued to sidle and slur regardless. The lowlight of this whole encounter was when he stealthily sidled up again and delivered a heartfelt rendition of "Good Day Sunshine" into my left ear...with just enough dissonance between his version and the original playing on the jukebox to disturb even the most tone deaf of individuals. His attempts to initiate a rousing sing-along fell short, as he continued to strain his vocals and no doubt, his bladder, as PGuy and I, exited stage left and headed off to our next venue.

So funny

This is the kind of shit that makes my day. I was at Chapters today having a coffee, and for some reason I decided to peruse a tattoo magazine, whose section happens to be right next to the music/recording mags I usually check out. Anyway, upon further investigation I saw this page, with the featured tattoos show in all their photographed glory. Two things I learned from this:

1. Tattoo magazine editors don't have an eye for detail.
2. People with tattoos should probably proofread it before they have it inked onto their bodies....especially when the one you have chosen makes such a bold and hilarious claim about yourself.



Wicked.

NYC Weekend

Hopped on the overnight Greyhound and spent the past weekend Chez PGuy in NYC. Despite a brief kick in the gonads by a virus/food poisoning/Cuban food, had a wicked time (even though I am still without my luggage from the return home....grrrrrr!)

Highlights:

- Awesome food
- Guy's neighborhood is amazing
- Rooftop party on 21 floor condo in Tribeca
- More laughs than you can shake a stick at
- Random dive bar, drunken patron's attempt to befriend us.

Lowlights:
- the oppressive heat/humidity
- walking way too damn much on Fri night
- Saturday afternoon/evening's illness (silver lining: shaking it off with a 3 hour nap and hitting the party anyway)
- waiting for Guy (ie. Guy on the phone, Guy getting a haircut, Guy getting a hot shave, etc)

Too much to see in 3 days. So a return trip is a definite. I certainly didn't take enough photos.

From Today's WTF? Files

I am a big fan of all things psych/neuro, particularly any of Oliver Sacks' novels regarding the peculiarities of syndromes caused by neurological damage. So, when I read the following in the news today, I just had to read on.

"Ontario woman gains East Coast accent following stroke"

"...Her new accent went unnoticed for some time by medical professionals, who thought she was from out east. Even Dore didn't realize her accent had changed."

One must wonder if at any point she cried out, "Jesus George [jarge], where's me fackin' smokes!?", said a prayer to Alexander Keiths, and immediately quit her job and went on pogey, to further pinpoint the diagnosis.

*Disclaimer: I am from the east coast and as such, it is entirely
within my rights to poke fun at my own heritage.

Bing Cherries and Billy Bob

Today was one of those weird days....

1. Was at the grocery store, and there was like a sale on Bing cherries or something, so there are like 5 or 6 people huddled around the display, groping the cherries [insert canned laughter here]. Anyway, there is a taller lady hunched over the cherries, picking through them like a primate picking nits off of another monkey's back. She was rifling through them, and stuffing like every third one into her mouth, with apparent total disregard for the pay-before-you eat code of the grocery store. I actually stopped to watch for a while.

2. Then...I am sitting outside of Chapters having a coffee and I swear to God, I look over and there is Billy Bob Thornton sitting across from me like two tables over. There had been a group of 3 people there waiting, with a laptop and a myriad of papers. When I first noticed him, I thought, "This guy looks strangely familiar and strangely out of place"...but couldn't place it. But the more I listened to keywords from their conversation "movies", "film tax credits", "x amount on the dollar for distribution", "tv series/movies", etc, the more it started to click. I finally went through my mental rolodex and figured out who it was (I am not a fan...except of his ex-wife A Jolie). Actually thought of striking up a conversation after his welcoming committee left, but what would I say? "Way to rail Angelina?". So, after a minute or so on his cell phone, he jumped in a Jag and away he went. Godspeed Billybob.

Guilty Pleasure

So, my buddy J and I discovered yesterday that we share a fondness for the band Paramore...which is a bit of a guilty pleasure that we both had a good laugh about. At 30-something, are we too old to enjoy the guitar driven pop/rock stylings of a group at least ten years our junior, fronted by a 20 year-old firecracker of a lead vocalist?





I had seen/heard of the band over the last year, but hadn't really paid much attention to any of their music. Then for some reason, I started to give it a closer listen, and I gotta tell ya, I love it. The catchy hooks, the driving guitar parts, etc.

Checked out some acoustic/live clips on Youtube or wherever, and was pleasantly surprised to see how well this girl's vocal chops hold up on their own. She's got a strong voice and makes it seem effortless. It's nice to hear, in a time when many bands sound great in the studio (thank you Pro Tools), but sound like your uncle's two octave flatulence on stage.

Top of the Muffin To Ya

Was driving around yesterday looking for some guitar strings (I had a destination in mind, I wasn't just hoping to find some on the side of the road)...when I spotted another one of my peeves, a store not-so-cleverly named in a pun-like fashion: Quilty Pleasures.

This practice has been so out-done, it drives me nuts. Often times, the connection is so stretched that you wonder why they would have even bothered. Nobody cares about how clever your name is. The hairstyling industry is a particular offender in this regard...things like The Hair Force, Hair Force One, Hair's To You [and possibly Mrs. Robinson], etc.

Try it...make up some of your own. Get a gov't grant and start that cleverly defined business. Here, I'll get you started [with 25% commission of course]. If I had time, I'd even Photoshop some logos for you.

• Beauty Call [aesthetics] *add "Late night" if you want to tap into that niche market.
• Yeast of Burden [bakery]
• Bandanarama [hair accessories + possible copyright infringement]
• Meat in the Middle [sandwich shop]
• Pole Position [gentleman's establishment]
• Holy Sheet! [bedding]

I could use this as a segue into crappy slogans, ie. Mike's Radiators "The Best Place to Take A Leak", but I'll leave that for another day.

Stick to What You Know

Every once in a while, we get a reminder about why celeberities should shut their gob, and stick to what they do best.

For example: "Usher blames lesbianism on lack of men"

And I quote: "As a man, you would respect me for not turning my back on it. ... It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man — a black man — in a time when women are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing."

Stop waxing philosophical and get back to scribbling some top notch lyrics like "I wanna make love in this club" on a cocktail napkin.

George Michael To Retire

In the news....

Don't worry....Guy is all over it.

Peeve #15.2

It's been a while since I have posted about life's little irritations such as sideways-hat wearers, douchebags, and people who rock the bluetooth headset with no valid reason (and god forbid those who fall into the majestic triad of all of the above).

And let's not forget the people who take the shopping carts home from the grocery store, God love 'em.

Adding to the list:

• people who read greeting cards outloud in the drug store aisle, and the chuckle to themselves outloud about how funny it is. "Hahahaha....oh that is funny!". Subtract another two points for making eye-contact in an effort to share this special moment.
• people who display a consistent pattern of spelling errors and misuse of homonyms and common confusables, including these repeat offenders: Caesar (ie. Cesar, Ceaser, Ceasar), your (ie. your so funny), loose (ie. i knew they would loose the hockey game!).
• tough guys. I mean people who put so much effort into trying to appear tough that it must be mentally and physically exhausting. The sullen look/clenched jaw, the sway and swagger while walking, arms upheld as if by some invisible soup cans. "I know it's 2:30 in the afternoon, and I'm walking down a residential street by myself....but man am I tough, and everyone needs to know it...look at me...how tough I am....ready to be tough with someone....like some urban commando...wow...this is a lot of work.... [for comedic effect, imagine the preceding dialogue as delivered by Stewie from Family Guy].

Useless Tip #1

Being a guitarist/musician....I am constantly listening to music. I am often trying to figure out guitar parts, etc, which are often buried deep in a mix...obscuring exactly what notes are being played, etc.

So, boys and girls, here is today's useless tip. Next time you are listening to your iPod or Sony Walkman (you know, the waterproof yellow one...with the Fresh Prince tape in it...) do this:

While listening to something, pull the headphone cable slightly out until you hear a separation of sorts in the audio tracks. It's a bit of a sweet spot...too little and it won't make a difference and too much and it will obviously come all the way out.

Anyway, this works better on some songs more than others and can often yield pretty interesting results...giving you a sense of what one or more of the tracks would have sounded on their own when recorded. For example, you might suddenly hear the sound of drums being recorded live off the floor, or the sound of the guitar isolated to one ear...complete with squeaking of fingers on the frets or the hum of the amp, or the track with only a hint of the vocals.

Try it. Good times.

Hell's Kitchen

OK. Guilty pleasure over the last few months has been watching Gordon Ramsey's culinary explosions on Kitchen Nightmare's and more recently, Hell's Kitchen.



Now, on Hell's Kitchen, there is a guy named Matt...who has some seriously bold eyebrows, which furrow like nobody's business. When he throws down a sour look, those bad boys square off at 45 degree angles like two black caterpillars. Anyway...the moment I first saw this guy, I could not help but notice the striking resemblance to a very obscure Simpsons character. I had to do some research to find out his actual name, but I knew he was the guy who occasionally comes into Springfield Elementary to lay down the law. Turns out his name is Leopold and he is the assistant to Superintendent Chalmers (or SuperNintendo Chalmers if you are Ralph).



Anyway...the pic of Matt doesn't entirely do the comparison justice, but here goes:















Of course, this all goes to show:

1. I have too much time on my hands.
2. I have watched too many Simpsons episodes.
3. The Simpsons play a very important role in our society.

In The Groove

Yesterday was an odd day.

So...we took our kid to the local arcade/indoor amusement area yesterday. As I walked around, I noticed a guy who appeared to be my age or older (30+), playing the dancing game "In The Groove 2, which is much like the uber-popular Dance Dance Revolution. Upon further investigation, I noticed this guy was sporting shorts and a t-shirt and runners, and had a visible ring of sweat on his shirt. During the entire 2 hours that we were there, this guy stopped playing the game only long enough to catch his breath and/or throw down the gauntlet with a competitor. Call me strange...but I found the whole scenario bizarre...a lone adult playing a dancing game in a children's arcade for hours on end, sweating profusely as he hammered out a myriad of quick steps in time to the the blur of moves on the screen. Unless he is in training for the next road show of Lord of The Dance...I find it to be.....er...strange.

Then at the grocery store, I spied some guy coming in wearing full horse riding gear....the little helmet, high boots, fitted pants, etc. I am just curious as to why he did not bother to remove the helmet...you know, leave it in the car maybe? Unless maybe the horse was strapped to the cart corral.

Where Are They Now?

So, anyone remember that crap boy band B4-4 that was out a few years ago, with such forgettable hits as Go Go and Ball and Chain, featuring some twins with bad highlights and their unrelated cohort? Here's a snap and a link to one of their vids in case you can't remember:

So, yesterday I spy a news sidebar on the Sun or something about a new group called RyanDan, which is none other than the twins from B4-4 reinvented as Josh Groban meets Andrea Bocelli.

http://www.ryandan.com/

who knew these chaps could sing so well? Here's a little live performance .

Bad Karma?

Do people get what they deserve? I don't think I have ever seen such a quick turnaround in bad karma.

As seen in the paper today:

Hitchhiker who stole car after offered a ride dies after losing control of the car

A hitchhiker who stole an elderly man's car after he offered her a ride died after losing control of the car and crashing into trees near Hawkesbury Saturday.
Hawkesbury OPP said (named removed..stupid people have families too), 20, of Russell was pronounced dead after being ejected from the 2002 Chrysler after losing control of the car on County Road 17 at about 5:10 p.m. Police said she had been hitchhiking in Alfred-Plantagenet Townsip when the 73-year-old owner of the car offered her a ride.
When the man stepped out of his vehicle briefly to pick something up, police said the woman jumped into the driver's seat and sped off. Police said the woman was able to drive about 5 km before losing control of the car, crossing the other lane, and crashing into the trees.

Scenes from a Memory #4

I know I should dish these out sparingly...but this is one which needs to get out asap.

In 1998...during our heyday at Dal, a battle somehow began. I think it's genesis involved Gregg getting into some sort of grudge match with some of the Computer Science dept's finest. This e-mail exchange gradually evolved to include P Guy and I was CC'd on the list, which is how I was able to keep track of the whole ordeal. What follows is a transcript of most of the e-mails that were exchanged between the two groups. For your pleasure, I have highlighted what I feel are some of the choicest gems in the whole dialogue. It is lengthy, but damn funny. Enjoy.

Subject: CSEXCHANGE> Haiku?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Mon, 2 Nov 1998, Amit Bhatnagar wrote:
a) stop pretending to be a black rap star
What does being "black" have -anything- to do with
this comment? Do you wanna fight, pal?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 3 Nov 1998, Snoop Dogg wrote:
Thanks...I meant to address this little issue in my
letter, I have quite a few African American friends who would take offence
to Mr. Perry's little comment. I got your back on this one. Mr Perry could :
a) stop pretending to be a jackass oh shit..I'm sorry he's not pretending.
Snoop
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 4 Nov 1998, Snoop Dogg wrote:
Guy,
I may be incorrect in saying this...but this may just have to go to punching stations. The Dogg.....
P.S. Abes...this guy has reached Wild Walkersmith's level
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 4 Nov 1998, Jason Perry wrote:

Mr. Peet,
Go ahead and try to make a race issue out of this, but if you are
uncertain as to whether or not you really ARE a black rap star, YOU'RE
NOT. Snoop Doggy Dog can spell. And Amit, I wouldn't turn my back to someone like Mr. Peet,
judging by the vast insightfulness of his comments so far, it is entirely likely that you would find yourself, how shall we say, "highly compromised". Apparently he likes doggy style.
-JackAss out.
Oh, and BTW, I'm not a racist, and I'm NOT going to respond to anymore emails on this topic, because I think I've already made my point, and I might just end up saying something I'll regret.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 4 Nov 1998, Jason Perry wrote:
Hey guys,
This guy thinks he is going to start something....it's kind of funny really, cause I considered being scared until I remembered...he thinks he's a dog! Don't we just put those down? Yeah, I
thought so.
Jason Perry
WOOF!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, DIEGO DIREMIGIO wrote:
Jason....graeme and I both got your back as well...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, Chris Bailey wrote:
I got yer back Jason.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, Snoop Dogg wrote:
What's with all this "I got your back" shit....hell if you want to bring
all your boys....go the fuck ahead. That will put you in a worse
situation then before. I don't want to deprive Dal of having any CS
graduates the year you are "supposed" to be finished. But have it your
way.....cause I guarantee my boys got way more game than yours. Perry you
little shit...you keep commenting on my Mom and I'll have to get outta bed
with yours and give you a bit of the "4-arm shiver". al'ight.
By the way this is the last time I am gonna reply your sorry ass, if you
have anymore to say....I'll be at JJ's Fri night.....bring all the
boys you like, hell I'll even get you in without cover.
Gregg
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, Chris Bailey (CS GEEK) wrote:
Hey guys maybe we should back off, he can get into JJ's without
paying, he must be REALLY big and strong! And he has game too! We better
just leave this alone or we will end up gettin a bit of the "4-arm shiver"!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, Peter W. Guy wrote:
OK, OK. Sorry about about the delay. I haven't checked this account
in a while. The Dopolis told me last night that verbal wars had broken
out...in the CS department no less. When my laughter finally subdued, I was
able to check this account, and sure enough, it is on. Now, I don't have a
whole lot of time for this tomfoolery, so I just skimmed over the myriad
of messages. And now, for my gospel:
1. Some of the names on this list look familiar, in all likelihood,
former CS classmates, so if that is the case, don't take this the wrong way.
My comments are objective and not personal.
2. You guys are seriously wacked. Maybe you don't know who I am (I
wouldn't be surprised) and maybe you don't know who Gregg is, but
this definitely isn't a good idea (unless, of course you do have voice
recognition software, and having your fingers broken won't impede
with your ability to complete those pesky Dijkstra's algorithms).
3. Being skilled at multithreading in Java does not make you tough.
4. I don't know how this little forum got started, or even who is at
fault. But it seems that Team UNIX have opened a can of worms, by
attempting to associate race based on writing style. Anyway you try
and cut that, it is still prejudiced. In looking at some of the names on
the list, I'm surprised more of you aren't offended.
5. I gotta get back to work. But should anyone have any serious problems
with these comments, too bad. You must be used to being treated like
a baby child by now.
Now, I'd suggest that posses fall into line, before spines start
snapping, and I gotta cash in my airmiles.
Guy
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
CS Geek: Hey, let's get one thing strait, Jason apologized for his remark. I am
not a racist, and I don't believe Jason is either. But if Snoopy wants
to make this more than just a nasty message forum, which he has suggested
a few times, and he cannot fight his own battles (i.e. he gets all of his
friends involved as he has also suggested), then I am gonna be behind
Jason. What is with this stereotypical view of CS majors? Do you think that
CS majors all have pocket protectors and buck teeth? Welcome to the 90's.
Team UNIX? Multithreading in Java? What the hell even brought those
up? And who are you implying is going to break our fingers? You? Snoop?
From what I have seen the only party that has a desire to bring this to a
physical level is Snoop and yourself.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 10 Nov 1998, Chris Bailey wrote:
Quite the hypocrite aren't you, when you yourself make judgements
about people you do not know. In fact I would say that since I have
never heard of either of you, nor have any attractive members of the opposite
sex, that you guys are in fact losers.
And Peter, I am quite aware of the arrangment. You on the bottom,
your mother on top.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 10 Nov 1998, Peter W. Guy wrote:
Well maybe, handsome, it would be a little wiser to figure out
just who we are before you start shooting your mouth off.
As I am sure you have read now, my name is Peter and I am a
friend of Gregg Peet's. I am one of the ones who are responsible for making
you look and your friends like a baby child, time, and time again.
In the future you should be aware of the arrangement...I talk
you. You listen. If you need more information on who we are, I'm sure you
can ask around. Unlike yourselves, we are not from Sprytown, and not
known for sporting gold necklaces, only dishing out Pearl ones. I will
leave the bragging to a minimum, because it doesn't become me. But if you
seriously don't know of us, then you had better start paying more
attention. The fact that noone I know has ever heard of you only verifies my
original hypothesis that you are a loser.
Again, I'm sure Sweat Dogg can arrange some introductions. In the
meantime, I'd reconsider calling strangers shithead. You can't
hide behind your IP address forever.
(I hope this is the last weak email I have to respond to)
Your God.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 10 Nov 1998, Peter W. Guy wrote:
Hey Mikey, I'll point him out to you. However it's not too
likely that you'll ever run into him, seeing as he prefers getting his
groove-on downtown to hanging in B507 or the Chase Basement.

MIKE (CS Geek) Wrote
Now who is this shit face? Somebody included me in this conversation
without letting me know who any of these dick sucks are.
Yes I am sure he is far to cool to be caught in a computer lab, it would
hurt his little grade 3 ego if somebody thought he was a geek.
So he is a downtown kinda guy eh? So we established right there he is one cool
mother fucker. Of course I already knew that, the name just gives it away
I have always wanted to call myself Snoop but just havn't been cool
enough.

Peter W. Guy wrote:
If you want to meet him, keep your four-eyes open for a 6 foot three
230 lb chap with short preppy hair, earrings, and the probably the newest
gear from Club Monaco (he's well known for lovin the Club). In all
likelihood he'll have a hotty mucking on to him too. Be sure to say hi!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE (CS Geek) Wrote:
Yeah okay bro, I'll keep all four of my eyes open just for you
okay? 6'3" 230lbs, and that's just his dick right?
New gear from club monico! Shit, man can you hook me up? Does
he have a big gold chain too? Come on, I know he has a big gold chain.
I just want to know because I am a Snopp wannabe, the more I know the
closer I can come to being as cool as him.
Shit I know him now. It's that personal ad in the coast I saw
last week. You just left out the seeking young boy for good ass fuck part.
That's alright though, I won't judge him, I may hurt his little "what
will they think of me" attitude.
Later pguy.
Your good buddy,
Mikey
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 11 Nov 1998, Peter W. Guy wrote:
So that's all it's gonna be, huh guys. A few mother jokes, and some
simple allusions to indiscreet sexual scenerios involving me. How original. The
points that I was making were fact, and not heresay. Some of you I do
believe I do know, and the rest, by your emails fall into the same
group.
I realize this is a sore point for you, and I'm sorry to have to pour
salt in your wounds. Remember when you guys used to get beat up after
Chess club back in High School? Well things haven't changed. Now I'm sure
I'm gonna get a plethora of emails back stating how I'm stereotyping (Bailey
sure loves that word) CS students, but let's be honest with each
other. It IS the truth. Stereotypical? Yeah it is, but its guys like you who
start the stereotype.
But don't get me wrong, I don't have any intention of invading your world.
Live and let live, I always say. Sure, you guys are different. If it
weren't for you, the world would be a boring place.
The point I'm trying to make is that I think you should accept the fact
your different. Embrace it. Nobody ever said you were known for your
social skills did they? Hell I know it. You know it. Now deal with
it. You need to stop talking to me and my comrades with such angst. You are
trying to make fun of us with mother jokes. Arguments like that will never
have a winner. Then when I point out that you are computer geeks, you say
it's not true and that I must be a loser too because you don't know me
either. Of course you don't silly. You guys aren't known for your social
prowess, so naturally you wouldn't know me unless I was a regular in the CS
labs. If I don't know you, then you probably DO hang out in the CS labs.
And that is the key concept you need to grasp. Embrace your social
ineptness and the fact that you aren't on our level.
This email made every point that I needed to get out, so I will no
longer be responding to your momma jokes and name-calling.
Here is the bottom line:
My boys and I are smart, good looking, popular, and successful. You
guys are not, not, not, and not respectively. Now I suggest you open up MS
Word (or jove if you're on a UNIX box) and write a little story starting
with "What the fuck was I thinking?"
Cheers,
Guy

As Seen in O Dot Today

Was driving home from an appointment this afternoon and this girl drives past feverishly trying to brush her teeth with two fingers while she drove down the road. Just to confirm my original sighting, I did a followup in the rear-view and sure enough her digits were flying around her chicklets at breakneck spread, so much so that she could barely drive...toothpaste all over her face. Too funny.

Scenes from a Memory #3

Flash back about ten years. A number of the usual suspects are hanging around at the Pepperell Palace....Guy, Kwabbo, Dopolis, etc. The boys are hanging around telling stories, likely waiting to head out to the 'Wood or some other establishment/purveyor of spirits.

Now back in that day, which was a Wednesday by the way (I'm not shy to rip off Dane Cook), Kwabbo used to love his chew. The guy known to carry around an empty Snapple bottle or what have you to fire his spittins' into. So, the chaps are sitting around having a good laugh already, and Kwabbo has a big-gulp style cup with a lid and a straw, through which he has been spitting his 'bacco juice. Enter stage left: in walks Adrock. Immediately he and Kwabbo engage in some gentle ribbing, as they often do..."Blah blah blah....how's your sister...I got sumfin for her mouf..."etc. Kwabbo fires of some sort of barb at Adrock...and not to be outdone, and thinking he's much the wiser, Adrock grabs Kwabbo's "drink" off the table and says, "Yeah, well how 'bout I take a drink of your pop?!" and proceeds to take a big haul from it's unique blend of coke, spit and chew. Now, you have to consider that by the time the error was realized, the contents of the cup had already been signed-sealed-delivered into Adrock's gullet.

The rest of us just stood slack jawed...as Adrock recoiled in disgust and hurled himself down the hall so he could gack....all the while Kwabbo has a priceless grin on his face.