In The Groove

Yesterday was an odd day.

So...we took our kid to the local arcade/indoor amusement area yesterday. As I walked around, I noticed a guy who appeared to be my age or older (30+), playing the dancing game "In The Groove 2, which is much like the uber-popular Dance Dance Revolution. Upon further investigation, I noticed this guy was sporting shorts and a t-shirt and runners, and had a visible ring of sweat on his shirt. During the entire 2 hours that we were there, this guy stopped playing the game only long enough to catch his breath and/or throw down the gauntlet with a competitor. Call me strange...but I found the whole scenario bizarre...a lone adult playing a dancing game in a children's arcade for hours on end, sweating profusely as he hammered out a myriad of quick steps in time to the the blur of moves on the screen. Unless he is in training for the next road show of Lord of The Dance...I find it to be.....er...strange.

Then at the grocery store, I spied some guy coming in wearing full horse riding gear....the little helmet, high boots, fitted pants, etc. I am just curious as to why he did not bother to remove the helmet...you know, leave it in the car maybe? Unless maybe the horse was strapped to the cart corral.

Where Are They Now?

So, anyone remember that crap boy band B4-4 that was out a few years ago, with such forgettable hits as Go Go and Ball and Chain, featuring some twins with bad highlights and their unrelated cohort? Here's a snap and a link to one of their vids in case you can't remember:

So, yesterday I spy a news sidebar on the Sun or something about a new group called RyanDan, which is none other than the twins from B4-4 reinvented as Josh Groban meets Andrea Bocelli.

http://www.ryandan.com/

who knew these chaps could sing so well? Here's a little live performance .

Bad Karma?

Do people get what they deserve? I don't think I have ever seen such a quick turnaround in bad karma.

As seen in the paper today:

Hitchhiker who stole car after offered a ride dies after losing control of the car

A hitchhiker who stole an elderly man's car after he offered her a ride died after losing control of the car and crashing into trees near Hawkesbury Saturday.
Hawkesbury OPP said (named removed..stupid people have families too), 20, of Russell was pronounced dead after being ejected from the 2002 Chrysler after losing control of the car on County Road 17 at about 5:10 p.m. Police said she had been hitchhiking in Alfred-Plantagenet Townsip when the 73-year-old owner of the car offered her a ride.
When the man stepped out of his vehicle briefly to pick something up, police said the woman jumped into the driver's seat and sped off. Police said the woman was able to drive about 5 km before losing control of the car, crossing the other lane, and crashing into the trees.

Scenes from a Memory #4

I know I should dish these out sparingly...but this is one which needs to get out asap.

In 1998...during our heyday at Dal, a battle somehow began. I think it's genesis involved Gregg getting into some sort of grudge match with some of the Computer Science dept's finest. This e-mail exchange gradually evolved to include P Guy and I was CC'd on the list, which is how I was able to keep track of the whole ordeal. What follows is a transcript of most of the e-mails that were exchanged between the two groups. For your pleasure, I have highlighted what I feel are some of the choicest gems in the whole dialogue. It is lengthy, but damn funny. Enjoy.

Subject: CSEXCHANGE> Haiku?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Mon, 2 Nov 1998, Amit Bhatnagar wrote:
a) stop pretending to be a black rap star
What does being "black" have -anything- to do with
this comment? Do you wanna fight, pal?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 3 Nov 1998, Snoop Dogg wrote:
Thanks...I meant to address this little issue in my
letter, I have quite a few African American friends who would take offence
to Mr. Perry's little comment. I got your back on this one. Mr Perry could :
a) stop pretending to be a jackass oh shit..I'm sorry he's not pretending.
Snoop
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 4 Nov 1998, Snoop Dogg wrote:
Guy,
I may be incorrect in saying this...but this may just have to go to punching stations. The Dogg.....
P.S. Abes...this guy has reached Wild Walkersmith's level
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 4 Nov 1998, Jason Perry wrote:

Mr. Peet,
Go ahead and try to make a race issue out of this, but if you are
uncertain as to whether or not you really ARE a black rap star, YOU'RE
NOT. Snoop Doggy Dog can spell. And Amit, I wouldn't turn my back to someone like Mr. Peet,
judging by the vast insightfulness of his comments so far, it is entirely likely that you would find yourself, how shall we say, "highly compromised". Apparently he likes doggy style.
-JackAss out.
Oh, and BTW, I'm not a racist, and I'm NOT going to respond to anymore emails on this topic, because I think I've already made my point, and I might just end up saying something I'll regret.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 4 Nov 1998, Jason Perry wrote:
Hey guys,
This guy thinks he is going to start something....it's kind of funny really, cause I considered being scared until I remembered...he thinks he's a dog! Don't we just put those down? Yeah, I
thought so.
Jason Perry
WOOF!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, DIEGO DIREMIGIO wrote:
Jason....graeme and I both got your back as well...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, Chris Bailey wrote:
I got yer back Jason.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, Snoop Dogg wrote:
What's with all this "I got your back" shit....hell if you want to bring
all your boys....go the fuck ahead. That will put you in a worse
situation then before. I don't want to deprive Dal of having any CS
graduates the year you are "supposed" to be finished. But have it your
way.....cause I guarantee my boys got way more game than yours. Perry you
little shit...you keep commenting on my Mom and I'll have to get outta bed
with yours and give you a bit of the "4-arm shiver". al'ight.
By the way this is the last time I am gonna reply your sorry ass, if you
have anymore to say....I'll be at JJ's Fri night.....bring all the
boys you like, hell I'll even get you in without cover.
Gregg
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, Chris Bailey (CS GEEK) wrote:
Hey guys maybe we should back off, he can get into JJ's without
paying, he must be REALLY big and strong! And he has game too! We better
just leave this alone or we will end up gettin a bit of the "4-arm shiver"!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Thu, 5 Nov 1998, Peter W. Guy wrote:
OK, OK. Sorry about about the delay. I haven't checked this account
in a while. The Dopolis told me last night that verbal wars had broken
out...in the CS department no less. When my laughter finally subdued, I was
able to check this account, and sure enough, it is on. Now, I don't have a
whole lot of time for this tomfoolery, so I just skimmed over the myriad
of messages. And now, for my gospel:
1. Some of the names on this list look familiar, in all likelihood,
former CS classmates, so if that is the case, don't take this the wrong way.
My comments are objective and not personal.
2. You guys are seriously wacked. Maybe you don't know who I am (I
wouldn't be surprised) and maybe you don't know who Gregg is, but
this definitely isn't a good idea (unless, of course you do have voice
recognition software, and having your fingers broken won't impede
with your ability to complete those pesky Dijkstra's algorithms).
3. Being skilled at multithreading in Java does not make you tough.
4. I don't know how this little forum got started, or even who is at
fault. But it seems that Team UNIX have opened a can of worms, by
attempting to associate race based on writing style. Anyway you try
and cut that, it is still prejudiced. In looking at some of the names on
the list, I'm surprised more of you aren't offended.
5. I gotta get back to work. But should anyone have any serious problems
with these comments, too bad. You must be used to being treated like
a baby child by now.
Now, I'd suggest that posses fall into line, before spines start
snapping, and I gotta cash in my airmiles.
Guy
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
CS Geek: Hey, let's get one thing strait, Jason apologized for his remark. I am
not a racist, and I don't believe Jason is either. But if Snoopy wants
to make this more than just a nasty message forum, which he has suggested
a few times, and he cannot fight his own battles (i.e. he gets all of his
friends involved as he has also suggested), then I am gonna be behind
Jason. What is with this stereotypical view of CS majors? Do you think that
CS majors all have pocket protectors and buck teeth? Welcome to the 90's.
Team UNIX? Multithreading in Java? What the hell even brought those
up? And who are you implying is going to break our fingers? You? Snoop?
From what I have seen the only party that has a desire to bring this to a
physical level is Snoop and yourself.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 10 Nov 1998, Chris Bailey wrote:
Quite the hypocrite aren't you, when you yourself make judgements
about people you do not know. In fact I would say that since I have
never heard of either of you, nor have any attractive members of the opposite
sex, that you guys are in fact losers.
And Peter, I am quite aware of the arrangment. You on the bottom,
your mother on top.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 10 Nov 1998, Peter W. Guy wrote:
Well maybe, handsome, it would be a little wiser to figure out
just who we are before you start shooting your mouth off.
As I am sure you have read now, my name is Peter and I am a
friend of Gregg Peet's. I am one of the ones who are responsible for making
you look and your friends like a baby child, time, and time again.
In the future you should be aware of the arrangement...I talk
you. You listen. If you need more information on who we are, I'm sure you
can ask around. Unlike yourselves, we are not from Sprytown, and not
known for sporting gold necklaces, only dishing out Pearl ones. I will
leave the bragging to a minimum, because it doesn't become me. But if you
seriously don't know of us, then you had better start paying more
attention. The fact that noone I know has ever heard of you only verifies my
original hypothesis that you are a loser.
Again, I'm sure Sweat Dogg can arrange some introductions. In the
meantime, I'd reconsider calling strangers shithead. You can't
hide behind your IP address forever.
(I hope this is the last weak email I have to respond to)
Your God.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tue, 10 Nov 1998, Peter W. Guy wrote:
Hey Mikey, I'll point him out to you. However it's not too
likely that you'll ever run into him, seeing as he prefers getting his
groove-on downtown to hanging in B507 or the Chase Basement.

MIKE (CS Geek) Wrote
Now who is this shit face? Somebody included me in this conversation
without letting me know who any of these dick sucks are.
Yes I am sure he is far to cool to be caught in a computer lab, it would
hurt his little grade 3 ego if somebody thought he was a geek.
So he is a downtown kinda guy eh? So we established right there he is one cool
mother fucker. Of course I already knew that, the name just gives it away
I have always wanted to call myself Snoop but just havn't been cool
enough.

Peter W. Guy wrote:
If you want to meet him, keep your four-eyes open for a 6 foot three
230 lb chap with short preppy hair, earrings, and the probably the newest
gear from Club Monaco (he's well known for lovin the Club). In all
likelihood he'll have a hotty mucking on to him too. Be sure to say hi!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE (CS Geek) Wrote:
Yeah okay bro, I'll keep all four of my eyes open just for you
okay? 6'3" 230lbs, and that's just his dick right?
New gear from club monico! Shit, man can you hook me up? Does
he have a big gold chain too? Come on, I know he has a big gold chain.
I just want to know because I am a Snopp wannabe, the more I know the
closer I can come to being as cool as him.
Shit I know him now. It's that personal ad in the coast I saw
last week. You just left out the seeking young boy for good ass fuck part.
That's alright though, I won't judge him, I may hurt his little "what
will they think of me" attitude.
Later pguy.
Your good buddy,
Mikey
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
On Wed, 11 Nov 1998, Peter W. Guy wrote:
So that's all it's gonna be, huh guys. A few mother jokes, and some
simple allusions to indiscreet sexual scenerios involving me. How original. The
points that I was making were fact, and not heresay. Some of you I do
believe I do know, and the rest, by your emails fall into the same
group.
I realize this is a sore point for you, and I'm sorry to have to pour
salt in your wounds. Remember when you guys used to get beat up after
Chess club back in High School? Well things haven't changed. Now I'm sure
I'm gonna get a plethora of emails back stating how I'm stereotyping (Bailey
sure loves that word) CS students, but let's be honest with each
other. It IS the truth. Stereotypical? Yeah it is, but its guys like you who
start the stereotype.
But don't get me wrong, I don't have any intention of invading your world.
Live and let live, I always say. Sure, you guys are different. If it
weren't for you, the world would be a boring place.
The point I'm trying to make is that I think you should accept the fact
your different. Embrace it. Nobody ever said you were known for your
social skills did they? Hell I know it. You know it. Now deal with
it. You need to stop talking to me and my comrades with such angst. You are
trying to make fun of us with mother jokes. Arguments like that will never
have a winner. Then when I point out that you are computer geeks, you say
it's not true and that I must be a loser too because you don't know me
either. Of course you don't silly. You guys aren't known for your social
prowess, so naturally you wouldn't know me unless I was a regular in the CS
labs. If I don't know you, then you probably DO hang out in the CS labs.
And that is the key concept you need to grasp. Embrace your social
ineptness and the fact that you aren't on our level.
This email made every point that I needed to get out, so I will no
longer be responding to your momma jokes and name-calling.
Here is the bottom line:
My boys and I are smart, good looking, popular, and successful. You
guys are not, not, not, and not respectively. Now I suggest you open up MS
Word (or jove if you're on a UNIX box) and write a little story starting
with "What the fuck was I thinking?"
Cheers,
Guy

As Seen in O Dot Today

Was driving home from an appointment this afternoon and this girl drives past feverishly trying to brush her teeth with two fingers while she drove down the road. Just to confirm my original sighting, I did a followup in the rear-view and sure enough her digits were flying around her chicklets at breakneck spread, so much so that she could barely drive...toothpaste all over her face. Too funny.

Scenes from a Memory #3

Flash back about ten years. A number of the usual suspects are hanging around at the Pepperell Palace....Guy, Kwabbo, Dopolis, etc. The boys are hanging around telling stories, likely waiting to head out to the 'Wood or some other establishment/purveyor of spirits.

Now back in that day, which was a Wednesday by the way (I'm not shy to rip off Dane Cook), Kwabbo used to love his chew. The guy known to carry around an empty Snapple bottle or what have you to fire his spittins' into. So, the chaps are sitting around having a good laugh already, and Kwabbo has a big-gulp style cup with a lid and a straw, through which he has been spitting his 'bacco juice. Enter stage left: in walks Adrock. Immediately he and Kwabbo engage in some gentle ribbing, as they often do..."Blah blah blah....how's your sister...I got sumfin for her mouf..."etc. Kwabbo fires of some sort of barb at Adrock...and not to be outdone, and thinking he's much the wiser, Adrock grabs Kwabbo's "drink" off the table and says, "Yeah, well how 'bout I take a drink of your pop?!" and proceeds to take a big haul from it's unique blend of coke, spit and chew. Now, you have to consider that by the time the error was realized, the contents of the cup had already been signed-sealed-delivered into Adrock's gullet.

The rest of us just stood slack jawed...as Adrock recoiled in disgust and hurled himself down the hall so he could gack....all the while Kwabbo has a priceless grin on his face.

Interesting

So, I saw the Nelly Furtado concert last week, which was ok by all accounts. Nothing fantastic, and it took a while to build up some steam to the level of which you would expect from her last cd.

Anyway...I have also been listening to Timbaland's disc, which came out last week. Here is something interesting that I discovered, there is some talk floaring around the internet that Timbaland ripped off an unknown Finnish producer and used this guy's music as the basis for Nelly Furtado's "Do It To Me" (n.b. He also used the same music for a ring tone called Block Party which he released in 2005, so he is double dipping). Anyway, there is a video on Youtube which notes the similarities between the original and the accused track on the Nelly cd.



The composer of the original music explains his side of the story on his own website: http://www.fairlight.fi/tempest/ . Better yet if you are familiar with the Nelly version, listen to the original composer's track "Acidjazzed Evening"on his myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/tempestchipmusic

So....it is an interesting situation. However, one must admit that it is very difficult to determine the source of samples floating around the internet. I mean, in theory, I could come up with a melody line or piece of music, post it somewhere, and then it could make its way to any kind of sample website or file repository and it would be extremely difficult for someone to give me credit for it even if they wanted to.

You are What You Post

So..I recently joined Facebook....which has been pretty cool. Lots of catching up with old friends, etc. However, one of the things I have found to be hilarious is the number of people who use ridiculous pictures of themselves as their profile pic. Girls leaning over, for a down the shirt shot, or Brutus the Barber Beefcakes like this guy. I mean..seriously? It's great to be in shape and all...but is this your resume for the online community?

"Uh....hi...my name is Jim..and uh...I'm so huge, I was trying to take off this shirt and it got caught on my pecs and slingshotted right around my neck [either that or he got confused with how to put it on]. I almost blew a delt!! Hahahaha. I'd wave to you but my arms have the range of motion of an early 80's GI Joe figure. If you're wondering where those soup cans disappeared to...they're under my pits, helping to keep my arms up. Thank god I have this rope on my neon orange shorts to keep me tethered to the ground!"

RIP: Bud Melman

Apparently, David Letterman regular fixture Bud Melman died today.

Dal folks, you may remember Bud Melman from his stint selling personal pizzas at the Pizza Hut in the DAL SUB. I don't know what kind of pull Peter Guy had with Bud, but he sure got a lot of free pizzas.

Scenes from a Memory: #2

OK..this one is from the Dal era, and took place in the SUB (Student Union Building) of course. Strangely enough, this is one scene that did not really directly or indirectly involve some tomfoolery by P Guy. However it did involve our good friend Kwabbo (don't spell that with a Q or he'll rip your teeth out).

Now, Kwabbo was always quite the character, fairly low-key in the obvious sense...but fackin hilarious in an under your breath kind of way most of the time. Whether it was the "cock your ballcap sideways to stare at chicks while you're studying" technique, pulling a junior Whopper randomly out of his pocket during class, or catching unsuspecting eyes with a display of hog under the table at the Killam library...Kwabbo was always up to something. But, funny thing...the most hilarious stuff found him.

So, we're sitting there one day, finishing up lunch I believe. In walks this Lebanese guy named "Rodney". This cat was always kicking it around the SUB...but today he had a problem. Seems he had a test or a major assignment or something due...and he needed a get out of jail card to get him off the hook fast. So, he pulls Kwabbo aside...some conversation ensues, and then the two of them disappear into the men's room for a minute (I know...this doesn't sound like a FUNNY story). All of us are left wondering..WTF are those two up to?

About 2 minutes later out they come...Rodney takes off and Kwabbo comes back to the table as if nothing were amiss.

So...what was the resolution to Rodney's problem? Well, he basically asked if Kwabbo could help him embellish a story that Rodney weaved about getting jumped, so at Rodney's request, Kwabbo followed him into the bathroom and pucnhed him square in the eye...giving him a nice shiner to back up his story. Now, I'm sorry, but I still find this fackin hilarious...I mean, it's one thing to string together some ridiculous excuse to get out of some school work...but there has GOT to be a better was than having KO (aka. Tuesday's child) drop a bomb on your face.

I Hate That Guy

Remember how annoying the bearded Canadian Tire guy was? Well, not to be outdone, Lilydale Chicken has their own breed of annoying commercial guy. You may have seen these Lilydale chicken ads on tv...you know the annoying guy with the French accent that is always cooking up some Lilydale? The thing is, not matter what he has been up to, he is always wearing his chef uniform. In one commercial, he just got back from watching the kids' big game, and he strolls in in his crisp white chef garb, throws on a dayglo orange ball cap and starts pulling out the cold cuts. This coupled with his enthusiasm for chicken in general, topped off with his annoying accent and his erudite kitchen mannerisms drive me bonkers.

Why is he always wearing his chef gear? Why don't they show him knocking boots with his wife in the boudoir, nakkid save for his lilydale coat...jumping out of bed to place two carefully placed fingers akimbo to a delicately staged platter of sliced chicken tits? "Mmmmmm, smell that Lilydale!". Now, that would be a commercial!

Scenes from a Memory - #1

From time to time I am treated to a quick flashback to one of the multitude of funny memories that riddle the last ten years of my life. Basically from the Dal Years forward (1993-present). Some of them are outright hilarious, or knotted together with inside jokes and vernacular which is unintelligible to the bystander....such as BoL, MiM, RTL, RCO, the Scorpion, Reggie's!!!!!, LoL (Louie on Lohnes), the PP, No Way!, DoD (Domes on Doors), re: the future, Making Magic, How do I hold it, etc...

Occasionally it happens to me that one of these funny tidbits occurs to me from out of nowhere, often at inappropriate times, maybe a staff meeting, maybe on the bus, wherever. I end up smirking like a cheshire cat...while everyone ponders my mental status. Imagine in the midst of a serious conversation, into your head pops the story about P Guy walking to work with his discman on as he imagines he is in a music video as he watches his own reflection in the windows as he walks by, stopping only to say a quick good morning to a squirrel.

Which brings me to today. I was looking for a quick cd to grab on the way to the car, and in my collection, I spied the N-Sync disc "No Strings Attached", which I picked up when I was living in North Carolina. I remember Guy telling me with no hesitation that I needed to pick up this disc stat! So, I sauntered down to the local purveyor of cds, and meekly looked around for this disc. Now, keep in mind that Chapel Hill, NC, was a hotbed of tight local music and creativity, so to be searching through this indie music store for N Sync was like wearing a "Honk if you love Boobies" t-shirt to an Ani DiFranco concert. So, finally finding the disc on the new releases shelf (indie stores gots bills ta pay too), I meekly went up to the guy at the counter, and frontloading my excuse, said, "Yeah, a friend of mine told me cd was really good, and that I have to get it...I don't normally listen to this stuff....etc". To which the cd guy says, "Mmmmhmmm, whatever you say buddy...."

So, as I listened to this disc on the way to work this morning...that's what I got. And also the association between the track, "Digital Getdown", and another little anecdote, which I will save for another day.

Got Time to Waste?

Check this flute/beatbox combo out: http://youtube.com/watch?v=59ZX5qdIEB0

Straight Up

OK...saw this quote from Paula Abdul this morning, re: the accusations and evidence indicating that she is a drunkard and cokehead.

That's nonsense, the 44-year-old "Idol" judge tells Us Weekly magazine in its Feb. 16 issue. "I've never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs," she says. "Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that."

Yeah...real strong point Paula....hmmmmm, artists who have had 20 year careers while partying and doing drugs: The Rolling Stones to name but one?

And I wouldn't exactly say your career highlights point to abstinence from drugs, in fact, if I were you, I would be using it as an excuse. Have you seen your videos or listened to your music? And I wouldn't say your full 20 years was that strong...seriously, before you sucked...er lucked...your way into American Idol, what had you done for me lately?

Fact

My 4 year old has taking quite a liking to the Mini-Pops lately. She has been rocking their disc which features slightly off pitch renditions of such favourites as "Let's Get is Started", "Bad Day", and "Wake Up" by Hillary Duff. It occured to me today that there is no discernible difference between Mini-Pop Hillary Duff music and the original, in fact I am quite certain the track was simply inserted as-is into the compilation. "Hmmmmm...who can we get to cover this Hillary Duff song? We need someone who sounds 10, and is slightly off-key with no apparent vocal training....oh yes, Hillary Duff!".

Tight new Tracks

Now, I know PGuy will probably give me the gears for what is to follow, due to our well known differences in taste of music (Guy hates the electric guitar about as much as he hates cheese).

I cannot get enough of 2 new tracks, Fallout Boy's "This Ain't a Scene it's an Arms Race", and Finger Eleven's "Paralyzer". The latter being a bit of a departure from their usual heavy rock, and more of throwback to their days as the Rainbow Butt Monkeys. Get into it, you can hear the track streaming on their website.

Seriously

Call me a misanthrope, but some feckin' people get on my nerves. Why is it that on winter's snowy streets people, opt to walk down the middle of the road rather than on the nicely cleared sidewalk? This morning, I almost ran someone down (on purpose) for this very reason...walking straight down the middle of the street, back to me, while there was a perfectly good sidewalk just feet away.

Lazy people. Was at the grocery store the other day, and I find that someone has decided not to purchase their package of fish, but rather than returning it to the proper section, they leave it on top of a bag of sugar. I mean honestly, take your arse back to the fish section and put it back. "Nah, I don't think I really want this 4olb turkey, I'll just tuck it away here behind these Wheat Thins".

I so badly want to choke out my douchebag neighbours who keep bringing the shopping carts home from the grocery store and Zellers. Feck. There's always one parked out in front of their house, in between their broken screen door and the minefield of Rottweiler turds. They don't seem to have jobs, as they are home at any given point during the day, probably busy thinking of ways they can further reduce my property value. Our neighbours from France refer to this fine couple as "Les deschiens"...which I think, loosely translated means "douchebags".

Dane Cook

OK...I have been hearing about Dane Cook for well over a year....however...never really thought about given his comedy a listen. The other day I fired his 2 CD set "Retaliation" into my car, and have been pissing my pants in laughter ever since. His shiznit is hilarious. If you are looking for a great way to laugh through traffic or make a road trip even more hilarious, get into this.

Torture Anyone?

Saw this on the online version of the paper today:








Don't get me wrong....torture is nothing to laugh at, except for when some moron at the paper puts it in the Sports section.

Ha Ha Ha

As much as it would suck to be in this guy's shoes....you can't help but laugh at his stupidity, and lack of error-checking methods to prevent it from getting this far.

http://edition.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/12/29/germany.tourist.reut/index.html

Santa

Happy Holidays everyone! As a parent, aside from the typical joys of Christmas presents, rosy cheeks and hot chocolate at this time of year...it sure is nice to have Santa in your back pocket. In fact, one might even surmise that Santa was purely a product of parental control. However, you play the card...it has significant power. Kid not eating their broccoli? "I'm calling Santa". Problem solved. If only this power persisted throughout adulthood. Not getting enough action? "I'm calling Santa!".

Well, enjoy folks. It is a balmy 4 degrees here in O dot, and I just finished putting air in my daughter's bike tires...hard to believe for Dec 24th. It looks more like October.

Timbaland

Is it me..or does this cat have his hands in everything these days? Seems like everytime I turn on the tv, there he is..clapping his hands or holding it down for JT, Nelly Furtado, or a host of others. Don't get me wrong, this guy is a talented producer (n.b. My use of the word talent may be marred by previously associating the word with the not-so-power-group Wave about 5 years ago...we all make mistakes). Shouldn't we all have a little Timbaland time? I mean, who couldn't use some phat beats and comic relief at their next business meeting? "I'd like to share the projections for third quarter profits...." to which Timba pipes in with, "Take it to the chorus!". Everyone has a great laugh, someone pops the Cristal, and things progress from there.

This cat is everywhere...check out the photos above, from Guy-graduation and the 2006 Saranac trip.

Pffffffffffffffffffffft

One of the occupational hazards of working in education is in the invariability of occasionally walking into little bundles of flatulence that lurk around every corner, left there by the little cherubs with whom we work. Like a warm spot in a pool, they lay there...amorphous gas clouds...until "Pfffft". The kids leave to go home, you go to wipe the blackboard "Pfffft!"...You walk across the room to answer a question, "Pfffft!"..you turn to retreat: "Pfffffft!!!!!".

They are out there...everywhere and anywhere. Waiting. Smelling.

dooflacimehc

There is one person in the world who will find this funny:

http://www.scouter.com/archives/Scouts-L/199506/1265.asp


I've never tried the water rockets that have been posted, but we'd had
great success with YOP rockets. (YOP is a yogurt drink that comes in a
small plastic bottles with tight fitting caps). We've had a lot of fun
launching these rockets in our group. (Sorry Rod - these rockets aren't big
enough to tie cubs to!!!!)

How to Build and Launch a Yop-Rocket

To Build a rocket

1) Get a YOP bottle from the nearest store. (YOP is a yogurt drink and it
can be purchased almost everywhere you can buy yogurt)

2) Clean off all the labels and wash it out well

3) Decorate it anyway you want (put wings on it, colour the bottle, etc)

To Launch a rocket
NOTE: STAND BACK WHEN LAUNCHING THIS ROCKET - It goes up fast and strong

1) Put some vinegar into the bottle (About 1 1/2 to 2 inches is enough)

2) Wrap a tablespoon of baking soda inside a single sheet of toilet paper.
The rocket works better if you only use a single layer of toilet paper
(single ply)

3) Put the wrapped baking soda into the cap of the YOP bottle The wrapped
baking soda should be big enough to just fit inside the depression in the
lid.

***** Steps 4,5 and 6 have to be done quickly *****

4) Pop the cap back into the bottle The tighter the better. If the baking
soda is the proper size, it won't fall into the vinegar when you put the
cap down.

5) Put the bottle on the ground with the cap side down

6) STAND BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7) Clean up the remains of the toilet paper

How does it work?

The baking soda and the vinegar combine to form carbon-dioxide gas. This
gas builds pressure inside the YOP bottle until the seal on the cap can no
longer hold. At that time the cap pops off and the escaping carbon-dioxide
pushes the rocket up into the air.

Wrapping the baking soda in the toilet paper slows down the reaction
because the vinegar has to soak through the paper to get to the baking
soda. This gives you time to put the rocket down and stand back.

KAA (Gary Stedman), 75th Midnapore Scout Group, Calgary Alberta Canada

Wish List

I'm too lazy to figure out how to use the del.icio.us wishlist as P Guy did on his blog, so here's the gist of my holiday wishlist:

1. Debt relief. More money. A miracle. Something. This sucks.
2. A good pair of studio monitor speakers so I can start using Cubase and recording some music.
3. An electronic drum kit (a nice entry level Roland kit would be nice). Not really a drummer, but I would like to take it up, and it would help with #2 (above, not the #2 that refers to bathroom activity...although sitting on a drum stool could get things going I suppose).
4. A good quality instrument recording mic.
5. A bass guitar.
6. For all the children of the world to hold hands and sing in perfect harmony (to the tune of "It's Getting Hot in Herrrrrre").
7. Boxes of guitar strings.

I could go on....

Bluetooth

This has been in my thinkabouts for a while..but it's time to finally say it. I frikkin hate bluetooth cellphone headsets. Listen, if you are some high-powered exec jet-setting around the globe, I get it. But if you are some tubby, beef-jerky-buying 40-something with hightops and acid washed jeans at Costco on a Sunday afternoon...then I doubt anyone needs to get in touch with you that badly, let alone with something important enough that you needn't be entangled in a traditional earbud (not much better) or have one of your hands tied up holding the cell phone to your ear. Is it a repetitive strain injury from being so bizzay? "My doctor wrote me a prescription for Bluetooth because I have been getting a lot of calls from my shorties". I'm sorry, but you are not that important. Cell phones should be heard and not seen. So, stuff it in your pocket and trash the headgear, and why not the handsome leather cell holster on your belt. Seriously.

What Ever Happened to?

The man they called "Reveen"? Seriously, who doesn't remember the odd radio and tv ads for this weirdo "impossibilist", coming to a venue near you back in the 80's?

I just remember he always creeped me out. Maybe it was his dramatically intense glare, his velvet smoking jacket and scarf, or the rigid pompadour that adorned his skull.

A little web search did bring up the interesting similarity between Reveen and Ricky from Trailer Park Boys, as this has even apparently been a subplot line of the show. You decide...

Coughing, 2006-Style

Just saw a news report that put the kibosh on the standard "cover your mouth" when you cough. Apparently, the medical profession's new darling is coughing or sneezing into your sleeve, thus preventing the spread of germs via your hands. This included a hilarious clip of some chap walking towards the camera coughing away, and alternating coughs between each of his sleeves, but it ended up looking more like a classic bicep kiss. The possibilities are hilarious...not only will paisley print make a shocking comeback to mask our sleeves covered in phlegm and snot, but offices and workplaces around the world will be filled with whispers of narcissism as Steve stands by the water cooler, giving some love to his biceps.

Aziba 2: Electric Boogaloo

About a month ago, we got our daughter a female betta fish. However, she has been sluggish lately, and has developed some sort of wonky eye (technical fish-med term of course). So, sensing the inevitable, I decided to be proactive and replace the ailing Aziba, with a new and improved, albeit male, model (comma intended to diffuse any potential misunderstandings re: male model...he is a handsome fish, but not that handsome). So, rather than having my kid undergo the misfortune of finding Aziba teets up in the tank, I figured giving her the heave-ho would be a better option. So, in comes Aziba 2, and out goes Aziba..into the turlet. A had a few pangs of fishocide guilt as she swam around in the pisser, but it was short lived because before I knew it, she took it upon herself to swim down into the unknown, never turning back, not even to give me the one-fin salute. Godspeed Aziba.

Ye Olde Apothecary

I spent a solid hour and a half last night waiting at the pharmacy for a prescription. Don't get me wrong...I realize these guys/girls are slinging pills, and errors can be deadly, BUT, when your prescription comes packaged in a box, why the delay? Your neatly scrawled prescription says, "Give this guy months worth of these pills"...and the pills come in one month boxes..so, it seems like a matter of putting 2 boxes in a bag, double checking to make sure it's not horse tranquilizers, and away I should have gone. I would understand if it was the old days and the guy was breaking a sweat with his mortar and pestle, grinding me up some tiger scrote and eye of gnewt, but c'mon.

The extra time at the pharmacy had an added benefit of giving me some browsing of their wares. Of note:

- cartoon character "Arthur's" Vitamin C with Ester-C! All of his friend's bathed in a sickly orange hue, Arthur is now whoring himself out to Ester C.
- CHASER, anti-hangover pill. Instructions, take 2 pills with first drink and 2 pills every 3 hours while you continue to drink, to a maximum of 8 pills. OK...so 2 pills, + 2 more (3 hours have passed), + 2 more (6 hours have passed), + 2 more (8 hours have passed) = your daily ration of 8 pills. However, if you have been drinking nonstop for 8 hours, I don't think these little gems are going to help you. A Tranzene taper at your local hospital crisis unit might be a bit more fitting.
- WTF is up with red pens? Why is it that 2 red pens cost $1.29, but you can get 12 black/blue pens (with a bonus red) for $1.49? Is red ink that much more expensive, or is it just proof that your mistakes in life will cost you? "Well, I was going to mark these questions on your test wrong because you failed horribly, but things are tight these days and all I had was a blue pen, so A+!!! Good on you!"

Douchebags

Call it a talent, maybe a curse...but I can spot a douchebag from a mile away. I was walking my down the street today with my kid, and we passed this guy walking with a laughable strut that belied his ponderous nature. He's chugging away on a bottle of fruit juice, tipping his head back to get every last drop of it's sugary goodness. His man-boobs strained against the wafer-thin cotton of his white novelty t-shirt as he clutched a pack of smokes in his hand...heading home with his bounty of nicotine. I turned as he walked past, as I had a suspicion that this guy was a class act, and sure enough as he polished off his bottle of juice, he simply tossed it onto the grass and kept on walking.

This is the same type of character as the creeps that live two doors down, with their 3 Rottweilers, who track back from the grocery store with the cart and leave it parked in front of their house, only to later move it to the parking lot for someone else to deal with. Cripes. Seriously, take a few minutes out from yelling at your wife and delinquent kid to spend the $10 to get a little grocery cart. You may not own your house or care about the value of the property, but I own mine, and your southern-culture-on-the-skids lifestyle is bringing me down.

Where did the summer go?

Cripes...tomorrow is the first day of school. It was the summer that wasn't, really.

Happiness is....

No, it is not a warm puppy. I just had some time to kill downtown, so I went to Steve's music, which is like a candy store to me. I spent a good hour trying out some expensive guitars, etc. Sounds weird...but this is a rarity for me. I spent the majority of my free time as a teenager involved in music, so it is a bit nostalgic for me to hang out at a music store. Life's responsibilities take hold, so even a mundane event like buying new guitar strings and picks for the first time in a year is exciting. I have a few things on my wish list for when I finally get that permanent teaching gig (which = the money necessary to indulge my hobbies), so it was nice to check out the gear. I know P Guy is always on my case about getting my music going...but money and time seem to be continuous obstacles. On my list:

1. more guitars....you can never have enough. A nice Les Paul, a PRS, and an Ernie Ball AXIS would be nice.

2. A new amp. I have had the same amp nice I was 15...time for a change.

3. Electronic drumkit...these are awesome. Seriously.

4. Recording monitors for making music on my PC.

Since You've Been Blitzed

OK, OK...it's been a while since I had something to say, but check this:

Here's the scenario. There is a popular 80's metal cover band in LA called Metal Skool, which pokes fun at that era of music. Apparently, in attendance at one of their recent shows in LA, was the one and only Kelly Clarkson. She was hanging with the singer of Yellowcard, and more than a little lit up. Anyway...the band sees her in the audience and gets her and Yellowcard boy up on stage. Next thing you know, after several allusions to sexual acts involving her, she is chugging Chivas Regal from the bottle and belting out Sweet Child O' Mine. And thanks to modern technology, you too can witness this car wreck:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4sJMcgeDe0

Imogen Heap

Have been meaning to post about this for a few days. I love it when I serendipitously discover great new music. I was listening to galaxy digital cable radio last week when a track called "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap caught my attention. Beautiful harmonies, cool arrangement. I jotted it down for future listening. Anyway, the whole cd, called "Speak for Yourself" is fantastic! If you are going to give it a quick sampling, I would recommend you check out the track above, "Clear the Area" or "Headlock". This girl has got some great vocals, nice samples, and some tight tracks. I love it.

If you want to sample the cd...visit the album player:
http://www.imogenheapmedia.co.uk/audio/player/player.html

http://www.imogenheap.co.uk/

The Origin of the Species

If you have ever wondered where I got my tight dance moves, you may want to view this clip (and it is not the evolution of dance video that is making the rounds...this is strict b-boy style that you all know and love).

http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/48411/

Big Props

All my usual tomfoolery aside...it is time I give my boy P W Guysome serious props on his graduation from INSEAD in France. Despite his devil-may-care attitude and reckless disregard for norms of publicly appropriate behaviour (ie. "J'aime les Grecques!!!!!!")...Guy's ability to set his sights high, buckle down and hit the books always amazes me. By all accounts, this was a tough program to get into and an even tougher program to finish...especially given his penchant for duffs, sauce, grapes, ballyhoo, and even hullaballoo for that matter.


That said, I raise a glass to Guy. (Now give me some money, you soon-to-be-six-figure-making-bastard). I am looking forward to a position in Guy's company as the director of employee certifications, as I am not shy to get certified in a variety of useless skills.

Cheers,

Dopolis

What the hell....

What the hell is up with this...(note my lack of a question mark..as I am using a franco keyboard and it is driving me crazy)

From the CNN website:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/africa/07/07/cameroon.breastironing.reut/index.html

Worried that her daughters' budding breasts would expose them to the risk of sexual harassment and even rape, their mother Philomene Moungang started 'ironing' the girls' bosoms with a heated stone.

Vapid

I don't know if you have ever wasted seconds of your life actually attending to what Paris Hilton has to say about anything...but it just happened to me and all I can say is:



=

How's Your Day?

I thought I may have been on a roll...apparently not. After securing a great temporary teaching gig for next year at a great school, I got a call for a permanent teaching gig at another school...used my connections to up my chances...however, didn't get it. When 500+ apply for a job...it's like walking a tightrope with bomb on your back trying to be the person who gets it. Sad state of affairs, but true.

So, I just found out I didn't get it. Too bad. There is a bit of a dichotomy here...whereby you need experience to get the jobs, but you can't get consistent experience until somebody gives you a job...in the interim you are falling into financial ruin.

OH..and it's 7pm and I still can't pick up my kid from her daycare because someone on the street has barricaded himself inside while about a kazillion police officers and tactical officers surround the area. Good times. She doesn't mind though. Her words, "I'm watching MADAGASCAR!".

Perils of Children

You often hear parents talk about childproofing their house...making sure medicine is locked away in cabinets, sharp objects out of reach, pots and pans away from curious hands.

but...what about the perils that parents face in their domestic cohabitation with children? This is often portrayed as the skateboard at the bottom of the steps..but it is no laughing matter.

Living with an almost-4 year old...I gotta tell ya, it's a jungle out there. Kids have their stuff everywhere! This thought came to me as I walked past the dehumidifier this morning, and was almost pulled down by the curved handle of a Barbie stroller which conveniently tucked itself into my pocket as I strode by.

This is not the first time...life with kids is wrought with danger. Sharp toys thrown recklessly in your direction, random inadvertent punches in the sack, stickers stuck to everything, all the while Barney or some other children's cad drones away in the background.

It's tough out there...stick together.

We've All Got Stories

In the news this week: http://www.local6.com/news/9290536/detail.html, the headline reads:

Baby Born With Third Arm

SHANGHAI, China -- Doctors in Shanghai on Tuesday were considering surgery options for a 2-month-old boy names Jie-Jie born with an unusually well-formed third arm.

We all know someone who boasts about having a 3rd leg, so maybe he hasn't been lying all these years. Maybe Jie-Jie and the Blond Cobra have more in common than we would think!

Sarsely.

Home Depot

Was at Home Depot yesterday. Since buying a house two years ago, I have come to love this place and all things in it. It's like that primal male urge to build things (and fight, and have sex, etc...the latter two not-so-much welcomed at your friendly neighbourhood Home Depot). Bought some tiles for the front entrance, and some shite to help install the AC...the annual ritual I loathe. Can't stand it.

As I stood in line at the cash, I noticed the brightly coloured measuring tape that ran up the wall. This thing runs about 15 feet up the wall. Two theories, 1. this is used to measure oversize items and pieces of wood,etc. (insert P Guy joke about measuring wood here) OR 2. Home Depot has recently fallen prey to a string of robberies at the hands of a roving band of giants, and the strip is much like those seen at your convenience store to put a height ID on bandits on their way out the door.

It's gonna be another scorcher today...like 32 degrees. Good times.

David Lee Idiot

Not that many of us ever thought differently, but former Van Halen frontman/Howard-Stern-replacement, David Lee Roth is not that great with words. Saw an article in the news today, with DLR's insightful comments about the inevitability of a Van Halen reunion, including the following:

"To me, it's not rocket surgery. It's very simple to put together. And as far as hurt feelings and water under the dam, like what's-her-name says to what's-her-name at the end of the movie Chicago - 'So what? It's showbiz!' So I definitely see it happening."

1. Rocket surgery?! Yes, you're right it's not rocket surgery...because the occupation of Rocket Surgeon doesn't exist.

2. Water under the dam?! Argggggh. Moron. Dams restrict the movement of water, including the movement of water "under" them.

Sorry...but I have a hard time with misuse of idioms.

Ughhh

Have never had problems with allegies before. Today...I have been a sneezing runny- nosed bastard.

On the lighter side of things, I am happy to say that none of my friends have a mustache.

If they did...it might look something like this:

Sketchup

Google has launched a free Beta version of their Sketchup software, and it is pretty damn cool.

Google SketchUp (free) is an easy-to-learn 3D modeling program that enables you to explore the world in 3D. With just a few simple tools, you can create 3D models of houses, sheds, decks, home additions, woodworking projects - even space ships. And once you've built your models, you can place them in Google Earth, post them to the 3D Warehouse, or print hard copies.

And, to keep in line with my usual take on things, I wish to banish the following groups of individuals from my neighbourhood:

1. People with loud, obnoxious dogs.
2. People with #1, and loud obnoxious children.
3. People with #1 and #2, and loud obnoxious spouses.
4. People who take the shopping carts home from the grocery store.
5. People who walk their cats...on a leash...seriously.

Feck

Had the pleasure of having an Upper GI test this morning. Holy feck...here's the rundown.

1. Drink two huge glasses of barium sulfate (read: two big glasses of a foamy mess with the consistency and nutritional value of drywall paste)
2. Resist the urge to vomit.
3. Proudly display two empty cups, then proceed to crush them on my forehead, while shouting "Woot! Woot!", "Boo-ya!" and so forth.
4. Wait 20 mins, catch up on Sambora/Locklear/Sheen/Richards divorce tomfoolery.
5. Sport a fancy gown and socks.
6. X-ray
7. More reading.
8. Enter the "robot" room, where I laid on a table under an enormous Transformer/Armatron controlled by the doc. He remotely controls this device to press me into the table.
9. Magically, the table stands up with me on it.
10. Eat some magic crystals and a shot of water, chased by another half glass of plaster of Paris.
10. And so forth....ad nauseum (quite literally)

Good times, good times.

The Bubble Boy

David Blaine "Street Magic" = impressive.

David Blaine "Bubble Boy" = not so cool.

Just caught the last 5 minutes of the much-hyped latest David Blaine spectacle. So, he spends 177 hours in a bubble of water, causing his skin to peel, and voiding his body of its waste through a tube - all for public consumption for those gathered around his oversized Christmas ball which has been home for the last few days.

Then! He gets chained up and attempts to set the world record for holding your breath underwater. The time to beat was 8:58, he got to about 7 mins before he started to flail around like a dying fish...divers jump in, pull him out..doctor comes to the rescue. Meanwhile, the narrator is making Blaine out to be a "hero", for this little piece of "history". Come on...give me a feckin break. He grabs the mike, starts babbling like a baby, crying, thanking everyone for their support. Sad sad sad. Really. Then he is whisked away, probably to his waiting pile of money and hookers from CBS for the ratings pull. But not before the voice-over guy makes some more allusions to Blaine's spectacular strength as compared to astronauts...who can't even walk when they return from space. For shame!

This is Spinal Tap?

Strange but true...for Simpsons and/or Spinal Tap fans.

Did you know that Harry Shearer, who voices Mr. Burns, Smithers, Principal Skinner and a slew of others...is in fact the same person who played Derek Smalls in Spinal Tap?

Strange indeed.

SPAM

SPAM is f$%^in ridiculous. Yahoo has been doing a decent job of filtering most of it into a bulk folder...but when I go to sift through it and delete, I am continuously surprised at the BS people are pushing via e-mail. The subject lines in and of themselves are amusing..just received one message "Polar Hound"..WTF? How is that supposed to entice me to open an e-mail? "What?! A Polar Hound?! I must have won some sort of snow dog of some sort, I better open this e-mail and check. Oh...shucks, it just an ad for Vi@gr-a! and some junk stock, might as well order some!"

Does this actually work? It must or else, the continued effort to flood us with it wouldn't be there. But I mean, WHO exactly is opening these things and thinking it is a good idea to investigate further?

Fresh Hounds! [to appreciate this subtle reference...one must be familiar with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and the skit in which he interacts with a variety of Star Wars fans waiting in line for a premier...top drawer comedy...guaranteed to make you laugh]

Get into This

Just discovered the Neverending White Lights...basically a studio/songwriting whiz, who has gathered a heavy team of vocalists to guest on each of his tracks. Features, Raine Maida of OLP, Nick Hexum of 311, Todd Kerns, formerly of Age of Electric and others. Some pretty ambient, moving music.

Check out the track "The Grace" ft Dallas Green of Alexisonfire.

http://www.neverendingwhitelights.com/

Peeves

1. Doubling of letters in business names to apparently make more impact, avoid copyright infringements and also to mangle the English language. For example, as seen in Montreal yesterday...JAGUARR Furniture. Not Jaguar folks....JaguaRR! The appeal is obvious...."Yeah, we're thinking of picking up a JAGUARR [couch]".

2. People who misuse LOOSE vs LOSE. ie. Ottawa better not loose in the first round of the playoffs.

3. The fact that it seems nobody in the world who is a proprietor of a restaurant can spell Caesar, as in salad, or the drink. Ok, maybe it's not the owner, but rather, the impish waif tossing cocktails who got her mitts on the dry erase marker for the sidewalk sign...but whatev. Almost everytime I see it...it is some new variation: Ceaser, Ceasre, Caezer, Seizure, etc...ad nauseum.

Old Man

Went to a workshop yesterday afternoon. Sat at a table with 3 other people. Perfect numbers for the activity which would require groups of 2. Stop. In walks this old man 20 minutes late..wanders around before finally joining our now group of 3.

Smells like an old man, unwashed clothing smell, long gnarled fingers with nails like dirty spades. Sits down...makes the simple activity more than complicated.

He spies my coffee in its styrofoam cup. Reaches over and places his dirty finger on the lip of my cup, "Where can I get one of these?", he says.

"Why not just have mine, since you put your dirty finger pretty much right in it?", I think to myself, spinning the cup around and drinking from the opposite side.

He comes back with a styrofoam cup and does a reachover on me and asks, "Can I have some of this?", reaching for my water bottle. I'm like, "There is a table full of water just over there", trying not to sound too abrupt.

THEN, during this particular ice-breaking activity, in which the other group member and I had just been "experts" on Friday night fun and weekend activities, he is assigned the role of expert on summer activities. Seems easy enough, but he then proceeds to inform us that he doesn't play sports or do much of anything besides evangelical work, spreading the gospel far and wide to children all over the area.
For us sinners who had just spoe of patio bars and happy hours, this was an obvious left turn.

Now don't get me wrong, to each his own. Evangelical work and fingers in my coffee aren't really my thing. You can imagine that during this whole episode, I was honestly doing my best not to laugh, holding my lips tight together and trying not to make eye contact with the girl in my group, who I sensed saw this entire thing as utterly hilarious.

And, just for you P Guy, I spent the whole time thinking...."What would Guy do?".

We packed up, and he left us all with brochures on the work of God in our lives, including the young man who pulled out into the road on his motorcycle and was shred to pieces by an oncoming car.

Mmmmmmmmmm....Pi

Student Recites 8,784 Digits of Pi

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060316/ap_on_sc/pi_prodigy

Gaurav Rajav, 15, had hoped to recite 10,790 digits and set a new record in the United States and North America..."I'm kind of disappointed, but I guess I did OK," said Gaurav, a junior at Salem High School.

OK???! Crap, I can barely remember my postal code...let alone 8,784 digits of a non-repeating number.

Gaurav's parents promised him an XBox 360 video game console if he had reached his goal. His father, Jogesh Rajav, jokingly offered to get him "an Xbox, but no game."

Ouch....no game! Bring the pain.

The Academy Is...

I'll say it again...my new favourite band: "The Academy Is". Their new cd Almost Here is fantastic.

Get into it.

Who's Your Yanni?

This hot off the presses....Yanni Arrested For Domestic Beatdown

I find it hilarious that Yanni is arrested for alleged domestic violence...what's he gonna do..play a really mean mixolydian scale on a harpsichord whilst giving "dagger" eyes?

I found this about as likely as being beat down by David Copperfield...who one would imagine would spend most of the time flying around on invisible cables with his mystical stare....oooooh!

Spring is in the air....

A little bit of sun today, a little glimmer of Spring....

Soon it will be "Goodbye" to my winter peeves...people walking on the streets instead of on sidewalks, people parking 3 feet away from any other cars, thus limiting the already limited supply of parking spots, people who shovel their driveways into the street, etc....

However...have discovered some fab new music in the last couple of days....put these bands in your pipe and smoke 'em: The Academy Is, and Goldfrapp.

Simpsons

If you like the Simpsons....you'll appreciate this.

www.spikedhumor.com/articles/17792/Real_Life_Simpsons_Title_Sequence.html

Woooooooooooooahhhh....we're half way there....

From the newswire today:



Bon Jovi Plane Skids Off Runway in Canada
01/21/2006 4:41 PM, AP

An airliner carrying members of Bon Jovi skidded off a runway early Saturday after landing in severe weather.
The Boeing 707 carrying the band and its touring staff overshot the runway at Hamilton International Airport.
A spokeswoman said the 14 passengers and flight crew were arriving from Buffalo, N.Y., where the band played Friday. No one was hurt.
Shows scheduled for Saturday, Monday and Tuesday at Toronto's Air Canada Center were expected to proceed as planned, she said.

You'd think that the band whose breakthrough album was entitled "Slippery When Wet" would have been a bit more careful.

All the Small Things

In an attempt to keep my mind off of my financial woes..I have began taking greater notice of life's little humorous events...

1. Had the pleasure of seeing a vagrant urinate on a street corner in broad daylight today. Yeah, don't bother going into the building...just find a sweet little nook and let 'er rip. Gross. Even more gross, I swear he reached into his own lake of urine to fish out a cigarette butt. Awesome. (There's a Lake Flaccid joke in there somewhere). Even worse...he made direct eye contact with me in my car as he turned around....he kinda looked like a crazy, homeless K-OS (read: he looked like K-OS). I almost expected a little "Crab in the bucket"...but I guess "Urine-soaked cancer stick in my puddle of piss" would have to suffice.

2. Saw someone riding a unicycle downtown today...through the snow and ice. Aren't unicycles dangerous enough?

Get into it.

New Music...New Books

Have been to the "Letters" by Butch Walker since yesterday...and I love it. Don't be shy to get into the track "Maybe It's Just Me".

I am tearing through "Million Little Pieces" by James Frey....and I was greatly enjoying the book...however, I just read a scandalous article online yesterday attacking the veracity of its contents...more specifically, levelling accusations that the truth was greatly stretched/molded/ and/or fabricated altogether. Regardless, it is still an interesting read.

Where's the beef? Here it is:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0104061jamesfrey1.html

Project Awry

If you appreciate the humor of The Onion, you'll enjoy this:

EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG LISTED

TheYear Ahead

My New year's Resolutions (Revolutions):




1. Conserve money by no longer buying coffee every day. I'll make my own java at home.

2. Play the guitar more...lots more. The thing I once loved so much seems to have fallen on some distant backburner, and it's a shame. Play music, write music, love music.

3. Read more. Whenever I read a great book, I am reminded of how wonderful it feels to lose yourself in a book. Food for the mind.

4. Make changes. Look for opportunities. Dig out of my financial hole somehow.

5. Get in better shape. Just a couple of pounds. The jiujitsu helps, but I need more cardio and less apathy.

Get into it.

The Piano

This is amazing animation..and the song is beautiful...you may recognize it if you have seen the film Amelie. It is called "Comptine d'Un Autre Été" by Yann Tiersen. The animation is called "The Piano" by Aidan Gibbons.

Super Greg!

This is strangely hilarious: http://www.talonse.com/supergreg.swf

http://zmax.org/supergreg/sgdotcom/

Thoughts on Random Things

- For the 2nd time in several weeks, I drove through the Tim Horton's drive through without ordering. Yup, drove right past the little person inside the speaker. Felt pretty smart. See what having children does to your brain?!

- The wait for winter tires. Went to two different crappy tires in the last 24 hours to see about having winter tires put on....the backlog is crazy. Looking at about a 6 hour average wait time.

- Guys who drive pickups and the girls who love them. Was following an old rusty pickup on the highway yesterday and had to laugh to myself at the silhouette through the back window of the truck cab. You can clearly see the guy driving, and then sitting right in the middle of the bench seat next to him is his mall-hair-with-hairsprayed-bangs girlfriend. Not sure why it is so funny, but it is. One can only assume Garth Brooks was playing in his cassette deck.

- I firmly expect to have another run-in with the infamous crazy computer guy. I don't know when....but it's coming.

I'm not the only one....

Was perusing a copy of Maclean's yesterday and turns out...I am not the only one who despises that goofball in the Canadian Tire commercials. You know, the Ned Flanders-esque loser whose always showing his neighbours his tools.

http://www.macleans.ca/topstories/life/article.jsp?content=20051031_114409_114409#continue

Here's his "rookie" card.

http://www.canadiantheatre.com/dict.pl?term=Ted%20Simonett

I Return

Well...I have neglected to post for quite a while...for a variety of factors...wallowing in pity due to underemployment...then the joy of full-time employment, the death of my grandfather, a near death experience at the hands of a flying boxspring...various car-related woes, etc, etc.

Have a list of to-dos that is gathering forces. Have my next jujitsu exam in two weeks, and lots of prep still to be done. I think I will randomly start provoking my neighbours into random fisticuffs.

Random Old-Man Neighbour: "Good morning! Nice day isn't it?"
Me: "Bring it don't sing it...beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeotch!!!!!"

Get into that.

Clamp Together for Bondung

You gotta love products made in Korea. I happened to be readig the label on a bottle of dollar store glue the other day (whilst doing some crafts with my kid).

Aside from the blatant mistranslations and spelling errors (apply a heavy cost and clamp together for bondung!)....you will note in the photo below that despite the BOLD claim of being ACID FREE and PHOTO SAFE, it clearly says "Not for photos".


Haha. Idiots.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

So...no posts for a few weeks. Seems there haven't been quite as many funny happenings lately.

Had two job interviews. Got neither. That sucks. However, got a lead on another extended gig, which if I got it, would take me to the end of the June. That would be sweet.

My grandfather passed away last week. Couldn't be there for that, due to job/financial circumstances, which sucks also.

Went to a big fat Greek wedding on Saturday, which was awesome, especially the hilarity of having a brief clip of my awesome dance moves inserted into the wedding party slideshow.

Keep it real.

Banished, Pt. II

Another one of my peeves...people who bring shopping carts home from the grocery store and just leave them in the neighborhood. These people, just as the sideways-hat-wearing creeps mentioned previously, should be banished.

My open letter to the shopping-cart-swiping-trash:

This tells me:

1. You are fat.
2. You are lazy.
3. You are fat and lazy.
4. You have enough money to buy smokes and Ding Dongs, but you can't fork out the $4.00 for a cab home?! The store is obviously not far from your house, or else you wouldn't have walked home with the cart. I have yet to see an out-of-province cart in my 'hood.
5. I need to move.



6. I need to hire Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys to come do something about these rogue carts in my neighbourhood.

Jiujits-ow!

Just got back from my jiujitsu class. Sometimes I wonder why I subject myself to these types of beatings. I just about blew out my knee coming down from being thrown as shown below.



Click the link for a video clip:

http://www.suginoharyu.com/html/video/ingemar%20skold/Strypning-%20O%20goshi.mpg

Kicking, punching, grappling, arm locks, wrist locks, whatever...it's all pretty fun....but getting thrown is damn hard on your body. Don't try this at home. Ok...maybe just once.

Gone with the Water

Interesting...this article wasn't written as a response to the disaster in New Orleans, it was written last year, a prediction of what might happen...and ultimately did.

http://www3.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0410/feature5/

I am so smart! S...M...R....T!

OK. I just keep finding the most ridiculous things. Case in point, the picture above. This is from a real estate website. I have blurred the agents name and e-mail address to keep her stupidity relatively anonymous, except for her Mary Hart-esque glamour photo. Check out the "languages spoken" section. Wow! 3 languages! Tri-lingual! She apparently is fluent in American, English, and Canadian! Don't worry, in those tricky homebuying contracts, she'll whiz right through major hurdles like differentiating between neighbor/neighbour, and frequent uses of "eh?". If that doesn't kill the competition, I don't know what will!

Ichi Wang

Was at the gym this morning (true story!), when I noticed the wall was now covered in advertisements for upcoming classes/programs. Scanning the wall, I came across one which said

"HATHA YOGA - LEVEL I with Ichi Wang"

I kid you not. The thought that someone with a name that cries out for fun-poking would venture into the world of yoga instruction kills me. Next up will be:

RESOLVE BEDROOM BOREDOM with Felicia O.

Yet Another Reason to Love Borat

http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_1509310.html?menu=entertainment.celebrities

If I Had My Own Kingdom

I have decided that if I had my own city, town, kingdom or whatever...that all people who wear their baseball hats sideways would be thrust out of the community. That's right...banished.
It is something which makes me laugh (at, not with) and drives me crazy.

So, next time you see one of these Sideways-hat-wearers, go on up and straighten that hat up. Give it a good twist, and top it off by saying, "Not on my watch!".

*please note..I will not be responsible for any resulting beatdowns, swarmings, muggings, 4-arm shivers, or any other acts of physical harm that may result from your actions. Please note that Sideways-hat-wearers can be highly unpredictable, and have been known to straighten their hats to avoid public scrutiny.

Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down

Rented a couple of flicks on the weekend...with great results. Both were great films:

1. Sideways. Two guys, a starving author and actor-past-his prime, tear it up in the California wine country the week before one of their weddings.

2. Upside of Anger. I didn't think it was possible for Kevin Costner to pull out of tha tailspin he started with Waterworld...but I guess it is.

I'd like to give a big thumbs down to all the people I have seen lately with the Canadian Tire "spinning" wheel covers on their cars, be they Corollas, Crapaliers, or what have you. They are knock-offs of the already cheesy chrome rims made famous by the world's most intelligent bling-bling'in hip hop (hooray!) artists in their videos, and eternalized in Chris Rock's "Never Scared" show..."Come on man.. don't buy drugs.. but some rims! They spinnin nigga they spinnin they spinnin nigga they spinniiiiiin!". These are perhaps the cheesiest things I have ever seen...maybe coming just short of the people who persist in adorning their Oldsmobiles with undercarriage neon. Here is an ad I saw online:

Note the red directional arrows for those of us who can't visualize what a circular spinning motion looks like. "Ohhhhhhhhhhh! They go AROUND!". Just what your 1984 Lada needs to bring it back to life. It doesn't help...it makes it worse. The only thing suckers can hope for with these is that the girls outside the Bingo hall are hypnotized by the spinning motion and your Koss 8 track...

We R in Need of a Musical Revolution

OK...apparently this is big news: P Diddy has once again decided to change his name: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050818/ap_en_tv/people_diddy

"We had to move the P. We had to simplify it. Diddy is more personal. We are entering into the age of Diddy. It's a new era," the rap mogul said in a recent interview with "Access Hollywood".

Diddy? People are starving, wars are happening, and Puffy's collective of yes-men and advisors are sitting around the table discussing the necessity of dropping the P in his name?

"We had to simplify it"?! Yeah, because P Diddy is a stumbling block for a lot of people..."What's that guy's name....something...Diddy....G Diddy?". Who cares?

More nonsense: Diddy — whose monikers have included Puff, Puff Daddy and Puffy, says Diddy is "a little bit more personal. I've let down my guard. I'm fully exposed. We are going to have a lot of fun with it. It is the return of hip-hop, rock 'n' roll superstars and they call them Diddy. I'm going to start talking in the third person everything."

And so one can assume there will be a succession of terrible names to follow:

• Puff the Magic Diddy
• Spliff the Magic Fatty
• Spiffy
• Jiffy Pop Daddy
• Diddy Cracked Corn (featuring "I Don't KR")
• Starship "We Built This Diddy" Combs

Perhaps he should spend less time talking to himself in the third person and look for his picture in the dictionary under megalomaniac.

Straight Up Now Tell Me

Somehow...someway....psuedo-celebrity Paul Adbul has saved herself from the clutches of the "Fox" investigation into her "alleged" inappropriate fornication with AI contestant, Corey "Andy Warhol Was Right" Clark.

Here is my depiction of the investigation:

Fox: Did you fondle, touch, diddle, tickle, reach around, go Chuck Norris on, grope, stop short, or perform any sexual act or have any other relationship with Mr. Clark, beyond that of a schoolgirl crush? [cough cough..."say no"]
Abdul: Yes.
Fox: I'm sorry I didn't hear you correctly...could you repeat that? [cough cough..."say no"]
Abdul: No.
Fox: Excellent. So we have an understanding?
Abdul: About what?
Fox: Yes. Exactly.
Abdul: Can I go now...I have to meet Cor...err...Corey Hart for coffee.
Fox: However, until the heat dies down, we feel it would be best if we all had a break from you. And frankly, we feel you are getting a little tubby so we've enrolled you in a Fitness Protection Program in Des Moines, Iowa. Until you return, a garbage bag stuffed with newspapers will spew pre-corded Paula-isms during taping of this season's show.

Lightning Strikes Twice

OK. Flash back about 4 months. I'm on the bus going to work, it's like 6:15 am. Get on the bus. Immediately across from me is this character holding a homemade electronic device with wires sticking out of it. I promptly question myself about the idea of maybe switching buses. Anyway, this guy starts talking at me (not to me) about how this is an ATX Power Supply tester, and goes on and on about this thing and that thing, much to my chagrin. Anyway, my stop arrives, so I close up the copy of Dose that I was trying to read and place it back on the pile of other free dailies as I leave the bus...well... Handsome B. Powersource wouldn't have it, instead saying "Uh...excuse me...but could you please get that off of here...I don't appreciate being called a diseased Englishman!". Apparently DOSE is English slang for an STD...which this guy shouldn't be worried about since I don't think internet porn can give you an STD. Ok, so there are apparently freaks of all kinds on the bus.

Fast forward to tonight. I sit down at Tim Horton's after my class, to have a coffee and read Dose while waiting for my ride. Out of the corner of my ear I hear somebody placing an order for a coffee and 12 peanut butter cookies. Curious to see who has such a jonesin' for PB cookies, I turn and who do I make eye contact with! Yes, you know it, it's Electrode P. Mc.PowerSupply! And wouldn't luck have it...he sits right across from me (complete with bag of electronics and massive electric coooler). Here's the gist of what followed as I peered down at my copy of Dose.

Me: (dont' talk to me..don't talk to me....)
guy: I noticed your bag [100%martial arts]...are you a teacher there?
Me: Student.
guy: I heard that makes you pretty limber.
Me: Yes [rehearsing appropriate throw and follow-up technique for unwanted conversation starters].
guy: [reaching into bag...pulling out magic light stick]. I've got my Christmas tree for next year. See, I have cats and they won't be able to make a mess of this. I got them from an old server. I'll use one for my tree and one for my project.
Me: Great.

[here's where things go really awry...I get sucked into approximately 30 minutes of painful one-sided conversation about electronics...which I can abbreviate in the following summary]

guy: Well, you see I'll just run a 40 watt bulb in the top, then I'll cross-mojonate the cables, run my mosfet into a double bypass into the the 1xn switching system. Of course, I could run everything through dry circuit switching....blah blah blah...and I've got a linux box at home that I haven't touched for months, people are always trying to crack into it, but I've got a 16 character password...numbers, letters, and ASCII characters...try cracking that one!! Hardeeharhar!

me: [hand literally over my mouth to physically avert a total outburst of laughter..releasing some of the tension by laughing or smiling in agreement to whatever the f$%^ he was talking about. My brain was overloaded with electronics lingo, which for some reason he assumed I would understand]. Coaxial cable?! Hahahahaha!

guy: Looks like Dose on the table.
me: Yeah.
guy: They chose an awful name for that paper. You know it means diseased Englishman!?
me: Uh...yeah I have heard that somewhere.

The guy polished off 6 cookies and then reached into his cooler of what I can assume was body parts, and polished off the other six cookies.

Thankfully..I was saved by the arrival of my ride, and whisked away.

moral of the story: cats ruin Christmas trees.

Sphynkter

Alright..I just saw the new Backstreet Boys video on Much...and it is surprisingly hilarious. The premise is this...the "boys" are a bunch of mullet-having 1985 era rockers, cruising in Camaros, scoring chicks, doing donuts, and rocking out onstage with Poison-esque choreographed moves, playing guitar with white gloves on, etc..

The piece de resistance is when the guys fire lasers from their guitars and vapourize the shirt of a well-endowed concert-goer. The flapjacks are then blurred out of course, but hilarious nonetheless.

Check it out. The song is pretty catchy too.

http://www.vh1.com/artists/az/backstreet_boys/videos.jhtml?popThis=popVideo(57068)

Zellers Hash

Whilst my little one and I were at Zellers earlier...I spied a sheet of paper next to the register, which said "Zellers Hash" and had a series of bar codes below it (for different weights I would assume). Apparently sales of regular consumer goods has not been fantastic and they have resorted to not-so-shy tactics of selling contraban at their front lines. That said, other things finally started to make sense...the pan flute version of Bob Marley playing in the background, the glazed look on the eyes of the staff, stacks and stacks of snacks located within arms reach of the "Zellers Hash", and the throngs of guidance counsellors and high school art teachers milling about....

Think about it.

I told you it would happen!

I always said it would happen....now who's laughing?!!!

According to today's news: "U.S. Appears Headed for a Peanut Surplus "
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050809/ap_on_bi_ge/farm_scene_1

"There's always somebody who wants to take a shot at the peanut program," said Chambliss, who challenged the industry to find new uses of peanuts.

To which I ask: Who's going to something about the elephant obesity that is sure to follow?!

Here are my suggestions for new uses of peanuts:

1. Stuffing for pillows.
2. Replacement for the Euro, or currency for small rural towns.
3. Commodity in elephant "Work-for-Food" programs.
4. Low-efficiency fuel. Prototype engine inhales peanuts, spits them out the back in large quantities, thus pushing vehicle forward. Pro: cheap, snackable fuel. Cons: trail of elephants and allergic children left in your wake.

As Seen in Ottawa

White Convertible LeBaron...cruising past DQ, blasting Haywire's smash hit "Standing in Line" circa ~1986. Complete with mullets x 2. I can only wonder if perhaps the car once belonged to Jon Voight.

New Slang to be Aware of: Muffin Tops

We've all seen 'em....now you know what to call them....summer's plentiful bounty of muffin tops.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/330221p-281994c.html